Surrounded By Idiots Helped Me Understand My Spouse

Salaam/Peace! 

Marriage is a beautiful, complex journey of growth, love, and understanding, right? I’ve often found myself reflecting on how we communicate with one another, especially within the unique dynamics of polygyny. At times, we can feel like our spouse is speaking a completely different language, and no matter how much we try, we just aren’t getting through. That frustration of being misunderstood can feel isolating, and it can put a strain on even the most loving relationships.

I've been reading the book, Surrounded by Idiots by Thomas Erikson, and it truly opened my eyes to something powerful: we all have different behavioral types, and these play a huge role in how we communicate and connect with the people we love. Understanding these behavioral types has completely shifted how I approach communication in my own marriage and, more importantly, how I help others in polygyny build stronger connections.

In the book, Erikson breaks down four primary behavioral types, represented by colors—Red, Blue, Green, and Yellow—and each one brings its own unique set of strengths and challenges. When I began to see Coach Nazir's behavior through this lens, it was like a light bulb went off. Suddenly, things that used to frustrate me made sense. I stopped expecting my husband to react the way I would and started appreciating the way he communicates and expresses love. It became less about trying to fix anything and more about learning to meet each other where we are.

Think about it: how many times have you felt like your spouse was being too blunt or too distant, too indecisive or too carefree? I used to think, Why can’t they just understand me? But after learning about these behavioral types, I realized it’s not that they don’t understand—they just process things differently.

For instance, the Red personality is direct and driven. They thrive on action and results. If your spouse falls into this category, they may seem impatient at times, but what they’re really doing is showing love through their actions. Reds aren’t the type to spend hours talking about their feelings—they express love by getting things done, by leading, by making decisions. I’ve seen this in my own marriage, and once I stopped expecting emotional conversations and started recognizing the effort behind the actions, it changed everything. Now, instead of feeling overlooked, I see the care that goes into the practical ways Coach Nazir shows up for me.

Then there’s the Blue personality—the analytical thinker, the planner. Blues can be misunderstood as being distant or overly critical because they’re so focused on the details, but that’s their way of showing love. They want things to be right for the people they care about. I’ve learned that with Blues, patience is everything. They don’t dive into emotional conversations as quickly, but they are deeply loyal and show their love through careful planning and thoughtful gestures. Communicating with a Blue spouse requires space and trust—space for them to process and trust that they’ll come to you when they’re ready.

One of the most transformative realizations I had from reading the book was about the Green personality—the calm, steady, nurturing type. Greens are the peacekeepers, the ones who avoid conflict at all costs. Before understanding this, I used to think that avoiding tough conversations meant not caring. But Greens care deeply; they just want to create harmony. They’d rather keep the peace than engage in conflict, and that often comes across as emotional distance. I’ve learned that in order to connect with a Green spouse, you need to create a safe, non-confrontational space where they can open up. When they feel secure, their loyalty and love shine through in ways that bring incredible stability to a relationship.

And then, of course, there’s the Yellow personality—the spontaneous, fun-loving, enthusiastic partner who lights up a room. If your spouse is Yellow, you already know they thrive on excitement, new experiences, and creativity. I’ve found that with Yellows, connection happens when you join in their joy. They want you to celebrate life with them, to dive into new adventures, and to enjoy the ride. Communication with a Yellow spouse is about tapping into that optimism and recognizing that their spontaneous energy is how they bring love and light into your life. It’s easy to get frustrated by their lack of structure, but when you learn to see their spontaneity as a gift, your relationship can become full of laughter and discovery.

I can’t tell you how much this understanding has shifted the way I connect with my husband. It’s easy to fall into the trap of expecting your spouse to communicate the way you do, but that’s not what marriage is about. It’s about learning who your spouse is, what they need, and how they express themselves. And that’s especially important in polygyny, where the dynamics are even more layered and complex.

Through this understanding, I’ve been able to foster deeper, more meaningful connections in my own marriage and help others do the same. I no longer expect my spouse to be more like me. Instead, I’ve learned to appreciate our differences and communicate in a way that resonates with him. And let me tell you, it’s made all the difference in the world.

If you’re feeling disconnected from your spouse or struggling to communicate, I highly recommend learning more about these behavioral types. Once you start seeing your spouse’s actions through this lens, you’ll begin to understand them in a whole new way. You’ll stop taking things so personally and start appreciating the unique ways they show up in your life.

Marriage is a dance of understanding, of learning to move together even when the rhythms are different. When you take the time to understand your spouse’s behavioral type, you stop stepping on each other’s toes, and instead, you start moving in sync, creating something beautiful together.

If you’re ready to dive deeper into building stronger, more connected relationships, I invite you to join our thriving polygamy community at polygamycommunity.com. It’s a space where we can learn from one another, support each other, and grow together. Let’s continue the journey of growing intentionally, loving fearlessly and connecting on a higher level, every single day!

~Coach Nyla