A Wife with a Life In Polygyny- (It Can Strengthen the Marriage)
Salaam/Peace readers!
The connection between a husband and wife is deeply significant and requires a delicate balance of love, care, and intentional effort, especially in polygyny. Don't you agree? For wives who embrace the role of being fully devoted to nurturing their family, managing their home, and supporting their husband, as beautiful as that expression of love can be, it’s crucial to maintain a sense of individuality and personal fulfillment outside of those roles. Trust me, I know.
Having a personal life as a wife in polygyny is not just about personal enrichment—though that in itself is essential—but about bringing vitality and fresh energy into your marriage. It allows you to maintain your individuality, which in turn creates a stronger, healthier bond with your husband. There’s no need to feel guilty about nurturing yourself; in fact, doing so can deepen the love and connection you share, benefiting both your relationship and your family.
When you pour yourself into everything around you—whether that’s your husband, children, home, or extended family—there’s a natural desire to give your all. But it’s important to remember that in order to be fully present and capable of loving well, you need to first love and care for yourself. That means carving out time for your own passions, interests, and hobbies.
This doesn’t have to be complicated or time-consuming. It could be something as simple as setting aside time to read a book you enjoy, learning a new skill, or taking time to enjoy nature. These moments where you are filling your own cup allow you to come back to your marriage with renewed energy and enthusiasm. And when you feel content and whole, your presence becomes a gift not only to yourself but to those around you.
In many cases, wives can sometimes slip into the role of caretaker to the point where they feel they have no identity outside of their marriage. While devotion is beautiful, maintaining a personal identity—one that thrives independently of your roles as wife and mother—actually strengthens your marriage. Your husband married you because of the woman you are, and continuing to grow and evolve as that woman keeps the relationship vibrant and dynamic.
Creating space for personal growth doesn’t mean you’re less committed to your marriage. Quite the opposite. When you are intentional about nurturing your own life, you naturally enhance the bond between you and your husband. You’ll find that when you engage in personal pursuits, you bring a renewed sense of excitement into the relationship. It allows you both to have more meaningful conversations, shared experiences, and deeper emotional connection.
One effective way to find this balance is by setting aside time for yourself each day. Whether that’s a quiet moment in the early morning, or time spent during the day while your children are napping, these pockets of personal time are sacred. Use that time to do something that brings you joy—something that’s just for you. Whether it’s journaling, exercising, painting, or practicing a hobby you love, these moments of personal fulfillment fuel your emotional and mental well-being, which naturally enhances your role as a wife and mother.
Husbands, too, can play a significant role in encouraging their wives to maintain this balance. A husband who supports his wife’s need for personal time is not only showing that he values her individuality, but he’s also giving her the emotional space to recharge and be her best self within the marriage. When a wife feels supported in her personal growth, she is more confident, content, and fulfilled—and that reflects positively in her relationship.
In polygyny, where a husband may have more than one wife, it’s especially important for him to support each wife’s personal development. Every wife brings her own unique qualities to the marriage, and it’s crucial for her to feel appreciated for the whole woman she is—not just her role as a wife or mother.
Husbands can foster this by encouraging their wives to pursue their interests and passions, whether that’s through words of affirmation or by helping create the time and space for her to focus on those interests. A simple, heartfelt gesture—like suggesting she take time for herself, or planning time with the children so she can have some quiet—is a beautiful way to show love and support.
Encouraging your wife to take that personal time isn’t about pulling away from her or creating distance. It’s about allowing her to show up as her best self in the marriage. And when a wife feels secure in her ability to have personal time, she often returns to the relationship feeling refreshed and reenergized. It enhances the connection you share and creates more opportunities for deep, meaningful bonding.
When you and your husband create a rhythm that allows for personal time and individual growth, you naturally bring more to the marriage. Instead of feeling clingy or overly dependent on your relationship for fulfillment, you’ll find that having your own interests actually brings you closer together. The time spent apart allows for greater appreciation of the time you spend together.
You can take the opportunity to share what you’ve been learning or enjoying with your husband, creating new areas of conversation and connection. If you’ve been reading a new book or exploring a new hobby, those experiences can become points of interest that bring fresh energy into your conversations. Likewise, when your husband sees you thriving and enjoying personal fulfillment, it enhances his appreciation for you as an individual and as his wife.
For those of us with children, it can feel nearly impossible to find personal time when you’re busy raising a family. But it’s important to remember that even mothers deserve time to focus on themselves. In fact, when mothers prioritize their well-being, they become more present and engaged with their children, offering them the best version of themselves.
One way to manage personal time with children is by creating routines that allow for a few moments to yourself. This could be during naptime, or even setting aside time after the children go to bed to focus on something that brings you joy. You can also involve your children in your passions, showing them the importance of self-care and personal growth. If you enjoy gardening, let them help; if you love reading, create a family reading time where everyone enjoys a book of their own. I love including my children with "Kids in the Kitchen", "Family Reading CIrcle" and our shared language learning time.
Husbands can be instrumental in helping wives find this balance. By taking on certain child-rearing responsibilities, husbands can create the space needed for their wives to enjoy personal time. This isn’t just about giving her a break; it’s about showing her that you value her well-being and personal development, which in turn strengthens the family as a whole. It also creates memories and moments with "just dad". Coach Nazir and our boys have what I call "Guy Time" and while they enjoy "Guy Time", I enjoy "My Time".
Being a devoted wife and mother is a cherished role, but it’s also important to remember that you are an individual with passions, talents, and interests. Embracing your individuality within your marriage allows you to bring your whole self into the relationship, creating a more balanced and fulfilling connection with your husband.
When you nurture yourself, you nurture your marriage. A wife who feels whole and fulfilled as an individual can show up more fully in her role as a wife and mother. By supporting one another in personal growth, both husband and wife contribute to a marriage that is not only thriving but filled with love, respect, and mutual admiration.
If you’re looking for more ways to enrich your marriage and create a thriving marriage in polygyny, consider joining our supportive and growing community at polygamycommunity.com, where like-minded individuals come together to share insights and guidance on building strong, meaningful marriages.
~Coach Nyla
